Alone

Loneliness.

Ever been there?

Everyone has.

Sometimes loneliness lasts for hours.

Sometimes days.

Sometimes years.

Loneliness cuts deep.  It is a place where thoughts can run wild.  It is a place where discouragement can settle in and make itself at home.  It can be a place of overwhelming self-focus.

Loneliness.

Even the word brings sad sighs.

Loneliness is real, right?  But is aloneness a reality?

Am I ever truly alone?

Webster says loneliness is a sadness because one has no friends or company; the quality of being unfrequented and remote, isolated…

Jesus knows alone.  On that cross.  Everyone had turned away, even the Father who loved Him perfectly.  He knows alone.

Amazing, isn’t it?  Jesus knew loneliness like no one has ever felt.

And yet.

He never leaves us in that state.

He never leaves us alone.

Aloneness is not a reality!  It is an illusion!

We are never alone.  Even when we are.

What a glorious fact to ponder!

Even in my isolation.  Even on my island.  Even in my seasons of being companionless, there He is.  And He knows.

He knows the feelings.

He knows.

And He is sitting there by me, and looking into my distant eyes, and loving me, and reminding me with blessing after blessing after blessing….

And yet sometimes…

Instead of noticing, instead of being there with Him, and listening to Him, and sharing my heart with Him…

I choose instead, the path of self-pity.  I’m worn-out and dwelling on the muck.

Why can’t I see with my spiritual eyes that He is RIGHT THERE.

It’s because loneliness dwelt upon shuts out.

It shuts out gratefulness.  It shuts out pursuing others.

It shuts out God.

The One who faithfully and lovingly pursues me, and is present always,

gets. shut. out.

He reminds me, even just this morning, that I am serving beautiful, forgotten, lonely children half a world away.  As I sit in a quiet house day after day by myself, clicking away at these keys, Jesus the Rescuer, is taking that time of island-dwelling to reach down with His loving hand outstretched and leading precious ones to a place of refuge.  A place of belonging.  A place of abundance.  A place of love.

Small and innocent, abused and forgotten, hungry and hurting…. what is my loneliness compared to theirs?  They are not forsaken.  And neither am I.

What we do with our aloneness matters.

Love God, love people.  The two greatest commandments.  How simple, right?

Keep me from eyes that study myself way too much, Lord.  Thank you for taking on ultimate loneliness so that I didn’t have to.

– Susie Stewart

 

Click here – “Alone Yet Not Alone” by Joni Eareckson Tada

 

Photo taken by Susie Stewart

Simplicity

Read these soothing words in the Living Bible translation.  And try not to rush it.

Psalm 23

“Because the Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need!

He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams.  He gives me new strength.  He helps me do what honors him the most.

Even when walking through the dark valley of death I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me, guarding, guiding all the way.

You provide delicious food for me in the presence of my enemies.  You have welcomed me as your guest;  blessings overflow!

Your goodness and unfailing kindness shall be with me all of my life, and afterwards I will live with you forever in your home.”

 

Our tendency would be to skim, to race, to fly through those words.  I think, rather, God would have us contemplate, soak it in, allow quietness.

I noticed something about this passage.  God is the “doer”.  He is the one reaching out to us and providing peace and rest.  Look at   some of the wording here.

The Lord IS my Shepherd.

He LETS me rest in the meadow of grass.

He LEADS me beside the quiet streams

He GIVES me new strength

He HELPS me do what honors Him most

He is CLOSE beside me

He GUARDS and GUIDES all along the way

He PROVIDES in the midst of my enemies

He WELCOMES me as His guest

And these things come from HIM:  Blessings overflowing, goodness, unfailing kindness, and I get to live in His house forever!

 

More than we could have ever dreamed to ask for from a huge God, King of the Universe.

Do you know you are being pursued by a loving God?  Slow down your pace of life a bit and let Him catch you.  It’s what your spirit has been longing for all along.

– Susie Stewart

 

Photo:  Susie Stewart

Present

Jesus, You amaze me.

I’ve been pondering something.  It’s hard for my brain to even begin to comprehend how, when you were here on earth, you knew the future, and yet you were present with people.

You were God and man at the same time, knowing all, and yet living in the now.

How did you sort through the thoughts and emotions of Your present circumstances when You knew the future?

When you looked in a person’s eyes and You knew how and when and where they would die, how did your heart take that?

Did that make it hard for You?  Does it make it hard for you?

You’re perspective is perfect.  And yet, Scripture shows us that when you heard about John the Baptist’s beheading you “withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place…” (Matthew 14:13)

When you arrived at Lazarus’ tomb, you wept.  (John 11)

I know your heart is gentle and kind, so it is no wonder that You hurt too.

“…for I am gentle and humble of heart…”  (Matthew 11:29)

I can’t help but think that Your heart breaks for those who mourn.  You see what death does to those who are still here and missing loved ones.

I imagine you looking at Your friends Mary and Martha, so fresh with grief over their brother’s death.  You knew Lazarus was going to die.  You knew You would raise him back to life.  I think maybe You wept at the sight of the mourners of Lazarus.  I think your heart was heavy for those who wept over John the Baptist’s death.

“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.”  (John 11:33)

You were troubled, Lord.

You were present, even though You are omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient…

You are present with us.  You Spirit is grieved when we grieve.  You are troubled to see us weeping.  You know the beauty that will come from the ashes, and yet, right now, You are present.

Thank you, Jesus.  You came to “comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve…”  (Isaiah 61:10)

– Susie Stewart

 

~Dedicated to my Uncle Sam & Aunt Lyla Knutson, whom God took to Heaven on September 1, 2013, only 10 hours apart.  Thank you God for that gift of Your timing, and thank you that You know and care how much we will miss them until we see them again.

 

Up

 

I want don’t want to be grounded.

Hmm..

What do you do with that?  Grounded can take on different meanings.  The grounded I’m talking about may not be what you think.

This world has a way of weighing us down, almost as if it is pulling us deeper into the earth.  Troubles, trials, relationships gone wrong, the depressing things we hear on the news every day… it feels as if it has a downward pull.

God calls us to look UP.  He calls us to “set” our minds on things that are heavenly, peaceful, strong, gentle…… truth.  He is continually pulling us out of the muck and mire and setting our feet on solid ground or in spacious places (2 Samuel 22:20).  He brings us out of darkness into His unimaginable light.

My feet feel very weighted to the earth at times.  I allow the cares of this world to eat away at my thoughts and emotion, at my trust.  I am called to so much more!  “…because of His great love for us, God, Who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ…”! (Eph. 2:4,5)

Over the years, I have often thought about what it means to “set your mind on things above, not on earthly things…”  I’ve assumed that Paul was referring to heaven.  I’ve never seen heaven, so at times I find it hard to set my mind on it, having never seen it and all.  But, for me, this verse has come to mean even more.

Look down….

earth, dirt, gravity, weightiness, troubles….

Look up….

Sky, heaven, weightlessness, peace, freedom….

I don’t want to be grounded.  I don’t want to be weighed down with the troubles of this world, but to trust in Light and Love and Mercy — Jesus!

He is above!  He is the Name that is “above every name” (Phil. 2:9).

He is up!

He is in me.

And when I soak Him in and I listen to Him and when I trust and believe and I focus on Him, I’m not so grounded anymore.  I feel lighter and more joyful.  I’m not so concerned with how the people around me are not meeting my oh-so-important needs.

May I only be grounded in your truth, Jesus.  Otherwise, let my feet be just above the ground because I trust in You.  You are working in and through me as I look forward to my forever home.

– Susie Stewart

 

Colossians 3:2  “Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.”

1 Peter 1:13  “Be holy, therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at His coming.”  

John 10:10   “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

John 16:33   “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Psalm 32:10  “Many are the woes of the wicked but the LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trust in Him.”

 

Photo:  Susie Stewart

ChoiSes

I was jogging along this morning,

got to the end of a sidewalk where it forked two ways,

and I came across this:

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Hmmm…..  Which would YOU choose?  Seems pretty obvious.  Unfortunately my house was in the direction of the “worst” choise.  I wasn’t about to run the long way to get back home so I went right.

It made me think about choises, large and small, that we make throughout our lifetimes.

Selflessness <     YOUR CHOISE      > Selfishness

Soft Answer <     YOUR CHOISE     > Harsh Words

Listening Much <     YOUR CHOISE     > Talking Much About Myself

Disunity <     YOUR CHOISE     > Unity

Love <     YOUR CHOISE     > Hate

Truth <     YOUR CHOISE      > Lie

React <     YOUR CHOISE     > Respond

Violence <     YOUR CHOISE     > Peace

Addiction <     YOUR CHOISE     > Freedom

Give <     YOUR CHOISE     > Hoard

Cheerfulness <     YOUR CHOISE     > Negativity

And the list goes on and on.

I have definitely made my share of wrong choises.  Some that I seriously regret, but can’t take back.  Every one of us has.

Throughout this blog, I deliberately spelled “choice” with an “s” just like our young chalk artist.  Spelling it the wrong way on purpose  reminds me of how we all make deliberate wrong choices.

Deliberate AND wrong — those are the “worst” choices.

I know better and I choose wrongly.

Praise God,  love covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), but when I do make the wrong choices, and it’s usually because of self, there is strain, relational scars, and consequences.

But here’s a choice that has ETERNAL consequences:

Love God <     YOUR CHOICE     > Reject God

If you love God and you believe Him when He says Jesus is the only way to the Father (1 John 14:6), then you make that choice to believe and follow.

The choice is simple, yet SO profound.

Eternity with God <     YOUR CHOICE     >  Eternity apart from God.

I made the choice to be blunt, because it’s important.

Lord,  help us make right choices.  Give us discernment and a grounded sense of right and wrong

from your Word and Your Spirit.

– Susie Stewart


  Your Word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.

-Psalm 119:105

Photo taken by Susie Stewart

1 Year Ago Today…

1 year ago today I was diagnosed with cancer.

I want to thank God for preserving my life and bringing our family through a difficult year.  As I look back at pictures from the past year I think of it all as a journey of growth, tears, strengthening, and lots of love.  I share some of them here with you to bring my Savior Jesus glory for His goodness, His faithfulness, and His love for me, for my family, and for every person young or old that goes through cancer.

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Right after I was diagnosed, special gifts, texts, calls, emails and FB messages started pouring in. What an encouragement! This fruit bouquet came from Dave & Rebecca, my cousin and his wife.

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Thank you for the love!

Psalm 112:7

“He will have no fear of bad new;  his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”

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Our son Arik headed to college a couple weeks after diagnosis. Such mixed emotions.

Psalm 18:28

“You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning;  my God turns my darkness into light.”

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Our daughter Nicole shared her testimony, which included my recent diagnosis, at Fields of Faith, a teen event, about a week after my lumpectomy surgery.

Psalm 46:1

“God is our Refuge and Strength, an ever-present Help in trouble.”

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Andy took me on a getaway to San Francisco before radiation.

Psalm 55:22

“Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you, He will never let the righteous fall.”

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My sweet neighbor Chloe in The Race for the Cure.

John 5:17

“Jesus said to them, ‘My Father is always at His work, to this very day, and I , too, am working.”

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End of radiation celebration. We didn’t yet know I needed chemo.

John 10:27

“My sheep listen to my voice;  I know them and they follow me.”

Hat & Scarf party put on by my sister-in-law Rayna the day before my head was shaved. What a wonderful show of love and support. I used these hats and scarfs to keep warm all through the winter.

Psalm 94:18,19

“When I said, ‘My foot is slipping’, Your love, O Lord, supported me.  When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.”

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First chemo treatment with daughter Nicole.

Psalm 42:5

“Why so downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your trust in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.”

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Nicole bravely shaved my head before the hair started really falling out two weeks after chemo started.

Romans 8:28

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

Trying to get used to the new norm.

Trying to get used to the new norm.

2 Corinthians 4:8

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;  perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned;  struck down, but not destroyed.”

Wig-wearing began.

Wig-wearing began.

2 Corinthians 4:18

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

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Reading during chemo.

Ephesians 1:3

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.”

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6 chemo treatments 3 weeks apart.  My special "chemo-sabis" with me each time.

6 chemo treatments 3 weeks apart. My special “chemo-sabis” with me each time.

Psalm 138:8

“The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me;  Your love, O Lord, endures forever –  Do not abandon the works of your hands.”

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Time with my friend Don as he was going through chemo too at the same place.

2 Timothy 1:7

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

So very thankful for my faithful husband, so loving and encouraging in sickness and in health.

So very thankful for my faithful husband, so loving and encouraging in sickness and in health.

Psalm 3:3

“But You are a shield around me, O Lord;  You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.”

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Christmas morning holding a beautiful scarf my son brought me from his December missions trip to India.

Psalm 18:1,2

“I love You, O Lord, my Strength.  The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress and my Deliverer, my God is my Rock, in whom I take refuge.  He is my Shield and the Horn of my Salvation, my Stronghold.”

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Never thought I’d be balder than my sweet dad. 🙂

Isaiah 40:29

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”

End of chemo family celebration!

End of chemo family celebration! I am thankful beyond words for my family’s support!

Hebrews 13:8

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.”

Starting to grow hair back.

Starting to grow hair back.

Isaiah 49:23

“…then you will know that I am the Lord;  those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”

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By God’s grace I was able to go back to Africa in June, feeling good, and co-leading our True Impact Ministries team with my husband Andy! What a gift!

Isaiah 58:9-11

“…If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday.  The Lord will guide you always;  He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

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2 Corinthians 5:7

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”

One of the blessings of this journey has been meeting other cancer survivors and sharing experiences together.

One of the blessings of this journey has been meeting other cancer survivors and sharing experiences together.

Philippians 1:6

“Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Spending time alone with the Lord in the beautiful Colorado mountains.

Spending time alone with the Lord in the beautiful Colorado mountains.

Isaiah 26:3,4

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trust in you.

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.”

– Susie Stewart

Willing?

Jesus,

I want to be willing to endure:

~ pain

~ trials

~ heartache

~ loneliness

~ relational inconsistencies

~ unmet expectations

~ ridicule

~ disappointment

 

I want to be willing to surrender:

~ guilt

~ my “right” to be right

~ self-defeating talk

~ comfort

~ self-centeredness

~ control

~ convenience

…to bring glory to Your Name, to shine Your light brighter, to grow in You, and to come into closer relationship with you, my Savior.

Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

Jesus, bring me to a whole-hearted willingness by Your power.  Thank You for being my example.

Amazingly, the more I surrender, the more your love fits in.

Empower me to love recklessly, hope with abandon, and give without reciprocation.

– Susie Stewart

 

Photo taken by Susie Stewart

Arik

Matthew 7:7-12

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

How does God see His children?

Think about how you see your own.  Good parents love and nurture their children from the very first cry.  Our oldest, Arik, was born after I spent almost two weeks in the hospital with premature labor.  When he was born I felt a depth of emotion unique to everything else up to that point.  I looked into those little eyes, and cuddled that little one, whose premature little body could fit on a washcloth.  I have watched that handsome boy grown into a man, almost twenty now.  All along the way there have been moments when I’m connecting with him through conversation and I get lost in those beautiful blue eyes.  I tell him they are blue like the sea.  My mama heart skips a little beat thinking of the years looking into those eyes, and being filled up with so much love that I feel that I could burst.

Sounds so dramatic, right?

That’s how parental love is.  It is dramatic and it is fierce and it is so profound that you can hardly put it into words.  You just want to stare at your child because you are so taken aback with the depth of love you have in your heart for them.

God put it there.

That beautiful love is a reflection of our Heavenly Father’s heart for us.  But that’s just it.  It’s only a reflection.  The love He has for us is infinitely deeper and more profound because it originated from Him.  And, as you see in the verses above, our love for our own children is tainted by evil.  God’s love is pure and even so much more profound.

You are God’s child.  He is staring into your eyes as you talk to Him.  He thinks they are beautiful.  He remembers when you were small and how you’ve grown into adulthood.  He was there all along, your Father.

He wants us all to know this love of His.  To know it!  Not just to say “God loves me” but for us to know it!

The amazing thing is that the unique parental love you can have for one child can envelope many more, biological and not.  The love I have for Arik, I also have when I look into my girls’ dark brown lovely eyes.

“For God so loved the world…”  Parental love envelopes.

Someone once said that the eyes are the window to the soul…. Whether we want Him to or not, God sees down into our souls?  Why not surrender to that love and soak it up?  We need it.

I love you Arik, Nicole and Victoria.  I’m blessed to be your mom.

– Susie Stewart

 

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Photo taken by Susie Stewart

Run

As I was running this morning…..  Never thought I’d hear myself say that in this lifetime.  I decided to take up running a few months after chemo ended.  My family didn’t believe I would actually do it.  But I am.  The beautiful, serene, early mornings have been soothing to the soul, not so much the lungs.  But I’m thankful to be able to get out there!

So, as I was running this morning I was thanking God for some of His limitless attributes.  “I’m thankful (huff, huff) for your faithfulness.  I’m thankful for your love.  I’m thankful for your goodness.  I’m thankful for your gentleness and kindness…”  Pause.  Deep sigh.  It seems that whenever I contemplate God’s gentleness and kindness, I sigh.  Truly, how wonderful is our God that loves us with a gentle and kind Spirit?  You can’t get any more well-rounded in character than God, so these attributes mesh with His justice and even His holy wrath.  Thankfully, God Almighty’s love extended to us through His Son Jesus.  God the Son, perfect and righteous, satisfies the holiness of God.  And guess what He told us when He was here on earth?  “…I am gentle and humble in heart…”  Sigh.

Jesus relieves the stress between God and humans.  Jesus brings relief to our spirits.  Soak in that relief if you are a follower of Him.

Sigh because your Savior is gentle and kind.

I love you, Jesus.  Thank you.

– Susie Stewart

(Matthew 11:28-30)

 

Katy

 

Matthew 6:25-34

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

I thought of my friend Katy as I read through these verses this morning.  Katy is a college student and has been working through college to pay for her education.  She is dependent on herself and no one else.  Back up.  It would appear that she is dependent on herself, but her hope for her future and for funds comes from a deep trust in God.  It’s not always easy to trust, though.  Jesus even says at the end of the above passage that each day has “trouble”. Katy struggles to know if she will be able to pay the bills, what she will do when she graduates soon, whether she can pay her school loans….

This very-familiar passage above intrigues me.  As I put the words of Scripture into my own words on paper, I asked Jesus, the one who said these things, “What do you mean by this?  You say ‘do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.’  Those are kind of essential things.  We need to eat.  We need to drink water.  We need to cover up.  Can’t get much more basic than that.  Seems like people should be concerned with those kinds of things…”  Jesus points out that He feeds the birds and “clothes” the flowers beautifully.  He says, “Are you not much more valuable than they?”  So, Lord, we are valuable to You.  This I believe deeply.  We are “fearfully and wonderfully made” and You “knit us together”.  We have value because of the value You placed on us.  Not because of anything we did or hope to do.  But here I go, off into a side subject.  Back to worry.  I don’t believe Jesus’ point is “who cares about whether you eat or drink or wear clothes or pay your bills or get a good job…”  His main point seems to be right at the end of this passage in verse 33.  “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Jesus understands.  He not only made us, so He knows what our thoughts and emotions are regarding the stresses of life, but He also experienced them while here on earth.  If you jump ahead to Matthew 8:20 you see that He didn’t even have a bed to call His own.

Katy works hard to provide for herself and to get an education.  Money is tight, but her eyes are focused where they should be, on Jehovah-Jireh.  That’s Hebrew for “God our Provider”. That’s why she asks me to pray for her needs.

Some of you may be thinking, “Americans are the richest people in the world!  What do they have to worry about?”  Well, it’s our tendency as humans from any walk of life to worry when things don’t look so promising.  Even when things DO look promising, we can gravitate toward worry.  But I’ve seen Africans with virtually nothing lean into God’s loving arms of providence for their daily bread.  They are seeking Him first.  He provides.  I’ve witnessed wealthy people who are completely bankrupt emotionally and spiritually because they chose to seek wealth first, instead of God.  We all need to remember that it could all be gone instantly.  None of it is worth holding in a tight fist.

I encourage those of us who know God to make our relationship with Him priority over our stuff and even over our needs.  “All these things will be added to you.”  And how about we all make ourselves available to be used of God to help others who need food, water, shelter?  Being used of God is a blessing and a joy.  Ask Him what you should do to help.  He’ll show you.

Love you, Katy!  I’m proud of you.  ❤

– Susie Stewart